Do you have FOBF? Here are 6 things to do
For anyone who can relate to the dread whoever caused the Microsoft outage must have felt.
On Friday there was the biggest internet outage since the beginning of the internet. Just one faulty software update caused flights to ground, news stations to panic, and thousands of businesses to crash. Alas, for most workers, the CloudStrike incident didn’t have an impact on our ability to get stuff done, so the world didn’t collectively agree to just call it a day and go hang out in the park. But still, it was very disruptive and generated a lot of chat.
One bit of chat that kept coming up on my feeds: riffs on the belief that whatever worker was responsible for this big old fuckup was about to get sacked. There were tweets pretending to be the software engineer on their first day of the job, calls for whoever it was to go out in a blaze of glory and take down Teams, gifs of Miley Stewart of Hannah Montana leaving her home for the last time along with the caption: “The Microsoft employee who caused the outage leaving headquarters after getting fired.” I saw a post that encouraged people to imagine being this poor software engineer, sitting in front of their laptop, trying not to catch anyone’s eye, and feeling the dread spread throughout their body.
Amid all these jokes I realised that I was very familiar with that dread. I’ve never made a fuckup so bad that it had such a global impact, but I’ve panicked as though that were the case when I’ve missed a deadline or my manager asks if I’ve got five minutes for a chat. I think many people who are excellent at their jobs exist in a frequent state of this worry; a genre of impostor syndrome that I like to call FOBF - fear of being fired.
When you have chronic FOBF, it doesn’t matter how good you are at the work that you do. You so often have this creeping doubt, this voice in your head that says you’re about to be called into a room, told you’re useless, and ordered to pack your bags. FOBF is a close relative of FOBIT (fear of being in trouble), and they tend to go hand in hand. Sometimes there will be a trigger for both FOBF and FOBIT, such as tanking a presentation or noticing someone senior looked a bit annoyed when you spoke in a meeting, but other times there’s no rhyme or reason - FOBF always looms in the background, ready to strike.
While my FOBF rears its head on occasion (particularly when I’m tasked with something that feels out of my depth), I would say I’m a mostly recovered sufferer of the affliction. Here are some tips that have helped, and that I hope will help anyone else experiencing FOBF.
Book in regular catchups
If you never speak to your manager, it’s easy to project negative thoughts on to the silence. This makes sense. It’s tough to know what someone’s thinking when they’re not contactable, and it’s human nature to assume the worst. So if you never receive any feedback from your boss, of course you’re going to imagine that they secretly hate you and can’t wait to get rid.
The solution to this is simple: request regular catchups so you get a better understanding of what your manager is thinking and feeling. To be clear: regular might mean monthly or weekly, and it’s important to resist the urge to constantly seek reassurance of the ‘do you like me?’ type. Instead, it’s worth requesting an official slot of time so you feel more in the loop and can be assured that if anything negative is simmering away, it will be aired in said slot. A good manager should be happy to provide this time.
Carry through the thought
This is a CBT technique I was told while receiving counselling for OCD and general anxiety. Basically, when you’re imagining the worst-case scenario, ask yourself: “and then what?”. In the case of FOBF, this thought process might go like this: I made a fuckup > my boss hates me > I’m going to get fired > I get fired > … and then what?
What if you did get fired? It would be a real blow, absolutely. You would need to find a new job, your confidence would be knocked, you might need to sort out some financial support for a bit to cover rent. But you would deal with it, right? The world would keep turning. There are difficult situations you’ve got through before, and you have plenty of evidence that you could get through this, too.
You don’t have to run around not giving a toss if you get sacked. It’s okay to care about being good at your job. It is, however, worth remembering that even if your worst fear happens, it wouldn’t be as catastrophic as you might be imagining.
Gather the evidence
On that note of evidence, make sure you have plenty that you’re actually nailing it. I love the concept of a sunshine folder: it’s when you pop career successes and positive feedback in a folder you can look back on whenever you’re lacking in self-confidence. There will be days when your brain tells you you’re shit. Be ready with the cold, hard proof that you’re not.
Get in some boundaries
FOBF can make you get into some unhealthy habits. You might work late in an attempt to get ahead (and somehow ‘make up’ for your perceived badness, or under the belief that working yourself to the bone is the best way to protect yourself from risk). You might lie awake at night ruminating on the day and fussing over what will happen tomorrow.
My FOBF friend, you need to get in some solid boundaries to limit just how deeply FOBF leaches into your life. Start leaving work on time. Don’t check your emails and Slack messages at the weekend (if there’s a bad thing hiding in your inbox, seeing it on Saturday and not being able to do anything about it ‘til Monday is a terrible way to ruin your days off). Assign yourself work worry time (yes, that’s another CBT technique), meaning you’re only allowed to stress about work in specific windows.
Look into where this is coming from
If you can afford therapy, great! If not, you can still do some digging into where your FOBF might be coming from, and address the issue at its roots. Ask yourself: have you felt like this at every job? If your FOBF is unique to this role and this moment, there might be some obvious causes: your manager is unpredictable, you’ve witnessed other people being fired or treated badly, you haven’t been given the training you need to do your job to the best of your ability, you never receive any feedback positive or otherwise. If you feel FOBF regardless of your specific work setup, go deeper. What past experiences and unproductive thought patterns make you believe you’re not good enough? It’s only once you get the understand the ‘why’ of your FOBF that you can get stuck into the ‘how’ of sorting it out.
Ask for feedback
I was in some leadership training the other day and someone asked: “when was the last time you asked your team for feedback on you as a leader?”. I couldn’t remember a time I’d done that. Neither could most of the people on the call. We’re often scared of asking for feedback, primarily because of the horror of getting criticism in return. But total avoidance of feedback prevents us from having an understanding of how we’re actually doing, and from getting better.
Again, you don’t want to get into a pattern of constant assurance-seeking. But it’s well worth getting comfortable with asking the people around you, both senior, peer, and junior: “how did I do? Is there anything you’d like me to do differently going forward?” Be genuinely curious about people’s answers and willing to take the valid constructive criticism on board (and give yourself permission to ignore the bullshit).
The habit of asking for feedback will help tackle your FOBF in multiple ways. For one thing, you won’t be going about your business unaware of how you’re truly performing, meaning you’ll have actual information to work with rather than your brain’s created narrative. Secondly, you’re likely to often get positive feedback, which will boost your confidence. When you get negative feedback, you then know how to improve. And finally, actively asking for feedback shows everyone that you care about being better. That’s impressive and gets respect. With that, your likelihood of being handed a dismissal goes way down.
Please take my work survey for a big project I’m tackling. It’s speedy and you can be anonymous if you’d prefer, so can be as honest as possible. I’m in need of as many different perspectives as possible and so would love if you could share the link with everyone you know:
Work-related reading recs:
My boss Lisa Smosarski has shared some things to absolutely avoid in your next interview. She also shares a truly wild anecdote in the intro of this piece that I can’t stop thinking about.
And on that note, the BBC explores how we can make meetings more bearable
"If you feel FOBF regardless of your specific work setup, go deeper. What past experiences and unproductive thought patterns make you believe you’re not good enough?" – I feel incredibly seen by this, and am making a note to myself to spend some time examining these feelings in more detail! Thank you for writing this post.
The anxiety from that "can I give you a call really quick" or that random 10 minutes touch base thrown on my calendar is REAL. Thank you for sharing great coping mechanisms.